


you get it

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, F/F, connor is abusive, takes place a few days after my other fic, tw: homophobia mentions, tw: reclaimed slurs, zoe and alana are Messed Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 12:03:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11230563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Zoe needs someone to talk to. Alana's always been a good listener.





	you get it

Alana Beck was reading a book in bed when she heard the doorbell ring. _That must be Jared. Who else would come by so late?_  She set her book down. "One second!" she yelled, and dashed down the stairs. "Hello, Jared!" She opened the door.

 

The figure standing on her doorstep was most certainly _not_ Jared Kleinman. She was tall, female, and had indigo streaks in her light brown hair. "Guess again." said Zoe Murphy as she stood in the warm summer air.

 

"Zoe?" Alana raised her arm to shield her eyes from the porch light. "It's one in the morning! What... what are you doing here?"

 

"I was thinking about what happened with Evan and the Connor Project, and I realized that I needed to talk to someone, and you're the only person who would make sense. I wouldn't feel comfortable talked to Jared, since he was in on the e-mails, and Evan is the source of the problem. Your situation is the closest to mine." She spoke as though she had rehearsed her words. 

 

"You want to talk about... all of that?" 

 

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

 

"Well, come inside! We can... go up to my room if you'd like?"

 

"That would be nice, thank you." Alana thought that she saw her eyes flash with anger momentarily, but it was gone before she could take a second glance. She offered her hand, and Zoe grasped it a bit too tightly as they walked up the stairs. 

 

_______________________________

 

"So, this is my room!" Alana said, awkwardly gesturing. "Sorry that it's kind of a mess. I wasn't expecting visitors."

 

"Yeah, sorry for barging in on you so late."

 

"Don't worry about it." She waved her off. "So um... what did you want to talk about?"

 

 

There was a beat of silence.

 

"What did it feel like when you found out?"

 

"When I found out... that Evan lied?"

 

Zoe stared ahead, seemingly unaware of her surroundings."What did it feel like when I called you that night and told you the truth? Because I know how _I_ felt. When he told me that he wasn't Connor's best friend, that he never even _knew_ my brother, I felt like my world was ending. It was one thing to lie to not make my parents mad or whatever lame excuse, but here's the thing. He kept telling me how _good_  Connor was. How he noticed all these things about me but just didn't know how to express it." She let out a hollow laugh. "And you know what? I actually believed all the bullshit he fed me! I guess that deep down, I wanted to believe that he was a good person. And Evan knew that. He knew that, and he exploited me! He made me believe that my brother was some misunderstood _saint_ , just because he thought I was hot!" Her voice broke on the word _saint_. She took a shaky breath. "Yeah, so that's how I was feeling. How about you?"

 

"I'm sorry about-"

 

"Saying sorry isn't going to help me! I want to know how you felt."

 

"I... I felt betrayed. Because Evan said this thing to me and it was really... out of line. He told me that I only cared about Connor's suicide and helping mentally ill kids because of college credit, and that's just not true! I cared because I _am_ a mentally ill kid!" She felt old wounds reopening, and anger bubbled up in her throat. "And he told Jared the same thing! It's like- it's like he's the only one who's allowed to be messed up! He's the only person who gets to have issues!"

 

"Exactly!" Zoe grinned, and the sight of it made Alana's heart jump. "He wouldn't let me be an abuse survivor, and he wouldn't let you have anxiety. You're a good person, Alana! You didn't deserve to be dragged into all of this. You just wanted to help people!"

 

"And you wanted to believe that your brother was a good person! That's natural!"

 

"The thing is, I know that Connor had issues. Everyone's always told me that I shouldn't be so hard on him. _He's depressed, Zoe! He didn't mean what he said, he was just high! Why can't you have some sympathy for him?_ " she said mockingly. She threw her head back and laughed, and Alana realized how nice that laugh sounded. _Oh no..._  "Well, guess who else is mentally ill now? Me! Because of him! And he's dead now, so it's not like whether or not I liked him made a difference. And I know that I'm totally heartless because I don't love the guy that made me afraid to step foot in my own house, but you know what? I don't care! Just because I was related to him doesn't mean that I'm under some obligation to love him. And it's fucked up that people think that. Everyone always thinks that mental illness is this card that you can pull to get out of everything you do, but if that was the case, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted."

 

"Can I kiss you?" The words were out of her mouth before she knew what she was saying. 

 

Zoe smiled. "You're sweet."

 

"I'm serious. Can I?"

 

She didn't respond, but instead pressed her lips to Alana's. Cars rushed past outside, and her parents slept a room over, but at that moment, she was certain that Zoe was the only other person that existed. They stayed like that for who knows how long, until the taller girl broke away. 

 

"The first time I kissed a girl, Connor barged into my room high off his ass, screamed at me, and called me a homo."

 

"The last time I asked a girl if I could kiss her, she told my entire summer camp that I was a dyke."

 

Zoe groaned. "Jesus. What an asshole. Thanks for asking, by the way. Evan just sort of went for it out of nowhere."

 

"Yikes!" 

 

"What makes it really good is that it was after he told me all these great things that Connor supposedly said about me. Which, come to think of it, were just things that he found out from stalking me. Because he's just that fucking classy."

 

"You're joking."

 

"Nope! I pushed him off the bed after he tried it, though." She mimed shoving him off, and Alana burst out laughing. "Yeah, I hate boys."

 

"Me too. I'm glad that I don't have to date them."

 

"I'm glad that I have other options!"

 

"So you're..."

 

"Pansexual, yeah." 

 

"Nice! I'm a lesbian, just in case you were wondering."

 

Zoe laughed.

 

"What's funny?"

 

"Alana, you're president of the GSA. Your phone background is the lesbian flag. You aren't exactly subtle about it."

 

She sighed. "And still no girlfriend."

 

"Dude, we just kissed in your room in the middle of the night. If indie movies have taught me anything, thar means that we're basically soulmates."

 

Alana felt her face grow warm. "You want to be... with me? Romantically?"

 

"Of course I do! That is... if it's alright by you?"

 

"Are you kidding me? It's more than alright!" she practically shouted, and dove into Zoe's arms. "You know, it's funny. Earlier this week Jared made a joke about setting us up together."

 

"Well, text him and tell him to save his energy." she said, hugging her girlfriend. Her eyes widened. "Shit, what time is it?"

 

Alana checked her phone. "Two in the morning."

 

"Fuck! I should head home. I'll see you later?"

 

"Yes, definitely!" She was grinning from ear to ear. "Until next time, Zoe!" She'd heard this phrase in a movie that she had watched as a kid, and had been waiting for an opportunity to use it.

 

"Until next time!" Zoe yelled back, and walked out the

 

Alana didn't sleep that night. Her thoughts kept her awake.  _I am Zoe's girlfriend. I am the girlfriend of the most beautiful girl that I've ever seen. Zoe Murphy loves me. ****_

_I am in love with Zoe Murphy._

**Author's Note:**

> There's not nearly enough Zolana in this world, and I aspire to change that. Kudos and comments are appreciated!


End file.
